To begin this entry I am going to share a very private journal entry from my past. It is from a time in my life that I am not proud of…a period of somber darkness. The date I wrote this was December 18, 2008.
What do you do when you feel as though I do? Heartbeats stop all together. The severity of this situation has consumed me entirely. I am a mess, truly damned beyond return. My world is nothing but a crumbling Atlantis. The never-ending fiery arrows of hate and worthlessness have maimed my being beyond repair. I will never again be worthy. Oh! how I pray to be still worthy. At what moment in this whirlwind of happenings, that i call my life, did i wave a solemn farewell to my Lord? Does He remember my face? Is my name still moist upon his lips? Or has he cast me aside like the unwanted trash that i have allowed myself to become… The tides of survival have washed my sand castles of hope into oblivion. The true disease of my well-being is something that my pen cannot breathe life into. But still – I mark into this book a stamp of my current mind.
WORTHLESS. HOPELESS. INSIGNIFICANT. ABANDONED. BARREN. DISGUSTING. DIRTY. FULL OF SHAME. EMPTY.
I have composed this mortal symphony of waste, and now in this mournful requiem i must reside.
When I opened my old journal the other day, to say that the things i read were shocking would be an understatement. The declarations of despair held between the leather bindings of that book is my life – or better said – was my life.
The soul who sins shall die…the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself. – Ezekiel 18:20
It is hard for me to pinpoint when I decided to walk away from my faith. Through the years i have tried to figure out what happened to me – what caused the drastic change…i have always failed to find the answer. It definitely was not like the stereotypical scenario that many think of – a child stands in the candy isle, a pack of sweetarts clutched tight in a shaky hand..the child has no money..but no one is watching. On one shoulder a little man in a red cape dances around – above the other shoulder floats a beautiful blonde lady wearing white. It definitely wasnt like that. I was raised..or better said..i was born into loving Jesus. The example shown to me by my parents empowered me to have a deep relationship with Christ at a very young age. I loved the Lord – He was the joy of my heart as a child. The dark force whose one goal is to drag you and me to hell (aka satan) was far too smart to try and derail my salvation overnight – it was a gradual descent. It was a slow deception that led me into the bleak wasteland that nearly became my grave. I remember on multiple occasions crying out to God..begging him to allow me to just go back – to find myself – to find that little girl who had once loved him so. Sin had blinded me to the point that I, with great sorrow, accepted my self-imposed sentence of irreversible damnation. I was dead. Emotional death, mental death, spiritual death, the only one that the grace of Jesus allowed me to dodge was physical death. Even though there were many times I pleaded with God to end me – to snuff me out. Thankyou my most merciful Savior! He had other plans for me.
My rambling mind is far too long-winded for me to finish this tonight. I will continue tomorrow, Lord willing…until then I will leave you with this:
In my distress I called to the Lord,
and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,
and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the depths,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
swept over me.
I said, ‘I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.’
The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you, Lord my God,
brought my life up from the pit. – Jonah 2