on Gods love of dirty shoes

 Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep. You, Lord, preserve both people and animals. How PRICELESS is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 36: 5-7

Sometimes I forget about how much the Lord loves me. He loves me on a level that I cannot understand. So many times we get so caught up in the “technical” aspects of being a christian that we forget about the very important fact that God has his hand on us. God loves us when we fail..God loves us when we run..God loves us when we sin. I know this is true, because I am here writing this.

Yesterday, I was sitting at my parent’s kitchen table attempting to write this. Rory was beside me on the floor playing with whatever random thing that he could find. It seemed that between every sentence I would have to take something from him or tell him, “no,no.” Finally, my constant corrections just made him mad, and in a huff of baby rage he pushed aside the the chair that I was using as a make shift baby gate and crawled out of the kitchen into the piano room. I was actually relieved to have just a moment to complete the thought that I was trying so hardly to paint onto the paper that was in front of me. It could not have been more than two minutes before I put down my pen and got up to go retrieve my son. He loves to bang on the piano and it is usually one of his favorite activities when we go over to nanna’s house. However, I heard nothing but silence..every mother knows that silence usually equals trouble. When I walked into the piano room, Rory was nowhere to be found.. so I walked through into my dads study..still, there was no Rory. The size of my house allows me to keep very close tabs on my son; yesterday was the first time that I have ever “lost” my son.

I had a little time to prepare for rory..but, with Trinitee I became a mother overnight. I’ll never forget the time that i bent down to pick up something and when I came back up Trinitee was gone. We were at a large and very busy park in Pineville..I had never felt the “panic” of a mother before. In an instant..I was introduced into motherhood. Frantic would not describe how I felt to the full extent..I was running around that park crying and screaming..I must have looked like such a fool. Finally, her little head popped out from her hiding place..she had crawled inside one of the big tires that are at this park for children to play on. That day when I ran to her and hugged her, the feelings that went through me caused me to realize what it meant to be a mother.  The feelings that shoot through the  mind of a parent during that time are hard to explain. Words cant really describe the level of peace that you have as you hold onto your child; at that moment, the life that you are tightly clutching to your bossom means more to you than the air that you breath.

yesterday, my panic quickly turned to thankfulness. The stairs at my parents house are very steep, curved, and if an adult fell from them the likelyhood that they would be severly injured or even killed is high. My 11 month old son was sitting proudly at the top of these stairs with a huge smile on his face. I flew up those stairs faster than I have ever done before..I picked up my son and just cryed as I thanked the Lord for protecting him.

Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. – Psalm 94: 17-18

When I look down and see the beautiful face of my son, I forget that one day from his smooth little chin whiskers will grow..as Jonathan hangs Trinitee’s towel up to dry after giving her a bath, Im sure that the last thing he thinks about is how this nights completed bathtime is just one more check on a short list…before he knows it daddy’s little girl wont be so little anymore. No matter how much we beg for the clock to stop and for time to exclude our children it cannot be done. The little hands that reach out for me..the tiny hands that hold onto mine so tightly..this lays upon my soul such sadness to say..but, one day these sweet little hands could become the hands that push me away. I know that this is a reality because the hands that write these words once were small..my hands that once held so tightly to my mother became the hands that also pushed her away.

It is hard for me to pinpoint when I decided to walk away from my faith. Through the years i have tried to figure out what happened to me – what caused the drastic change…i have always failed to find the answer.  I was raised..or better said..i was born into loving Jesus. The example shown to me by my parents empowered me to have a deep relationship with Christ at a very young age. I loved the Lord – He was the joy of my heart as a child. The dark force whose one goal is to drag you and me to hell (aka satan) was far too smart to try and derail my salvation overnight – it was a gradual descent. It was a slow deception that led me into the bleak wasteland that nearly became my grave. I remember on multiple occasions crying out to God..begging him to allow me to just go back – to find myself – to find that little girl who had once loved him so. Sin had blinded me to the point that I, with great sorrow, accepted my self-imposed sentence of irreversible damnation. I was dead. Emotional death, mental death, spiritual death, the only one that the grace of Jesus allowed me to dodge was physical death. Even though there were many times I pleaded with God to end me – to snuff me out. Thankyou my most merciful Savior! He had other plans for me.

For almost a decade, I was the constant tears that flooded my mother’s heart. I was the pain that cut into my father’s soul. I was the constant prayer on their lips. My parents never gave up me..they never stopped praying for me. They never gave up on the promise they were given by God. If the love of a mother and father can be so unconditional…think about the love that God has for us. God’s love is so good. All those years as I climbed the trecherous staircase into sin, I could have died at any point. Living selfishly could have sent me to an eternity in hell so many times..BUT JESUS DIDNT LET THAT HAPPEN. Even though I didnt deserve it, he kept my foot from slipping. Even though my spirit was filthy he allowed me to find refuge in the shadow of his wings.

If any ladies are reading this who have children, friends, or spouses that are running from God..dont ever give up on them. Let their name be the constant prayer on your lips..regardless of the evil that has them blinded..dont ever stop being there when they reach out for you. No matter the distance into a pit of despair that they have fallen..never let their hand go. The progress and the change that the Lord has made in me shows the power a mother’s prayer can hold.

Or if you are reading this and you realize that you are a prisoner trapped in the despair of your own guilt and self hatred..just know..there is no distance that one can travel to that God cannot reach. There is no amount of darkness in any situation that God cannot bring light to. The shoes that you may find yourself walking in during this point in your life, may not be exactly what you had planned for yourself. But dont you know? Shoes dont matter to God! Your shoes could be filthy and have holes in the sole, but that would never stop our loving Father from making sure that the foot inside of it doesnt slip. His love will NEVER fail you. God’s love does not discriminate against us because of our past or because of our faults. God’s love NEVER ends.

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. – Jeremiah 31:3


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