I have very few possessions left from my past. When I look around my house, it is difficult to find something that was in my house 10 years ago. There are a few reminders from my past hanging on the walls around me.. there are a couple of things scattered about in my kitchen cupboard,but that’s about it. Most everything else has disappeared along with the last decade of my life. There is one piece of my past that I still have in full though. Starting with a diary that my mom got me in 1992 (reading that one is hilarious), I have all of the journals that I have written into during my life. I am so thankful to have these still.
For some reason, I’ve started pulling them out lately. I feel like I should post some of the things in them. Sharing this stuff isn’t necessarily what I really want to do here.. wow, for once in my life, im actually kind of sheepish about sharing something. Facing and sharing these sad bits and pieces of my life kind of wears on me. The feelings I get when I see these old scribblings are bittersweet. A part of me is grieved for the time I lost. Running from God consumed all of my teenage years and many of my young adult years as well. I could have been whole if I would have only held tightly to my Lord. Its hard not to ask myself,
what if?..where would I be now if I hadn’t lived in rebellion against God for all of those years?
When I do find myself pondering the “what if’s”.. I am quickly reminded by a consuming peace from the Lord that there are no “what if’s” when he is involved. He has had his hand upon my life through it all. Every rebellious step that I took.. as I desperately tried to run away from His call..every frantic stride that I made – they were all apart of the plan he had for me and the good of my family.
Jesus can change the actual course of our lives. IF – we let him.
If we allow him to, not only will he erase the darkness and shame of who we used to be, but he will also cause great things to come from our new lives in him. Giving your life to Jesus will change the course of history..it will change the path of your family. He will tear down and destroy the curses that have stretched out for generations over your family .. all in an instant.
IF — WE LET HIM.
Thank you my merciful father for being patient. Thank you for giving me this song to sing. I pray that – by your mighty works – others can hear this song and be drawn to the selfless and pure love that you have for us. Thank you my merciful father for bringing me – a lost and forgotten little ragdoll back to LIFE!
This is the first of several journal entries that I will share over the next few days. This is the background of my life that I use to help me when I am trying to measure just how unbelievable the redeeming power of Jesus Christ truly is. The words that you will soon read are the words of a girl battered by years of living for herself..a soul aching without God.
I feel that I am nothing more than a ragdoll — A pretty little ornament that was once the center of my owner’s life.
In days past, DAYS FAR AWAY FROM NOW, I heard laughter, felt such love — because I was of such use.
Now, after some endlessly dark nights, I have become nothing more than a motionless pile.
Occupant of my lonely corner — where I am forgotten.
The crimson paint that once proved my beautiful smile has dimmed to be nearly erased — and I am expressionless.
Little Ragdoll eyes stare with such desire to see the one who once loved me.
No amount of hope will bring them back.
I’ll remain this discarded little doll until the wind comes and finally unravels my soul.
With a fierceness, I will be sent into the void of a damned eternity still forgotten and unclaimed.
– dated, October 9, 2004
No matter how long you run or how much you try to fool yourself as you fill the hole in your soul with other things..we all yearn for God. We are all programed with a gap in our soul that ONLY he can fill. If you find yourself in a place of solitude and longing for love, like what is written below..hang around these next few days as we work through all of this together. Jesus gave himself as a sacrifice on the cross so that we could be made “clean” enough to go before God. The cross that Jesus died upon was stretched out across the heavens to bridge the gap that once fell between God and his fallen creation. All you have to do is ask Jesus to reveal himself to you..and he will. Tell him that you believe that he died for your sins..so that you could be made whole. He will enter into your life and work things out day by day. Jesus is not a savior of confusion.. He is the opposite of confusion. He is freedom! .