Morning Ramblings with God — Confusion.

For any of you who feel led this morning to give up 3 minutes of your time and listen to this mad sounding lady, you will hear that I made this recording early this morning as a way to document my heart so that I would be able to write a blog about it at some point later on today. I am at a loss this morning and can’t quite find the words to express what I spoke into my phone this morning (im sure I looked like such a ding bat..thankfully, the I do not care what the birds think of me)..since the words are unavailable at the moment, I will just expose these struggles..these inner struggles that have me somewhat weary this morning in their raw form.


I am not sure where exactly this all is coming from. For the first time in a long, long time, I am trying to please the Lord. I am making a conscience attempt to lay down the things which cloud my heart.. the things about me that hurt the heart of God. I never even worried this much in the past – when I was living in very dark sin and bondage. So I just don’t understand why I am feeling these things now.

I do not expect many people (if any..well I can always count on my mom and dad to listen) to actually listen to this (it does not hurt my feelings at all, by the way). But if you do listen and feel the Holy Spirit prompting you, please share with me your thoughts. Please lift me up in prayer and just call out my name at some point today.
Am I the only person who has ever dealt with feeling this way? I guess the best way that I can find right now (as I rush to finish this so I can get my kids ready for church) to describe how I feel is that I am torn between the God of Judgment and the ever-loving Redeemer of the lost.. which one is my God? And, as I suppose the answer is, if they are both the can I make sense of this in my own life and not feel like I can never be worthy?