on laundry room prayers and scribbling in the sand

I worry about how my performance as a mother is a lot. I don’t worry about my ability to meet their physical needs..I worry about whether or not i am doing a good job raising children who will love the Lord. Am I training my children up right? Will my children love the Lord when they are older? things like that. Raising children in this day and age is scary. ( i believe we are very close to the end times..but thats another topic) The devil is in full force trying to destroy as many lives while he still can. Christian parents have a lot more to fight against now with all the bad stuff on tv, the internet, magazines, things they are taught at most schools..basicly everything around us can be a distraction away from the Lord.

the only thing that has helped me come to peace and to not worry so much is prayer. Im talking prayer prayer. like goin’ in the laundry room and shutin’ the door for a while prayer. haha. i really do go to my laundry room to pray. Growing up, I used to hear the old people at church talking about praying in their prayer closet (hopefully im not the only one who has heard this before..i am from the south after all ). this was so weird sounding to me until recently. Now with kids and pets and all the hustle and bustle of life..its hard to get away and just be with the Lord. Ive always prayed..but since i have started going to my laundry room and shutting the world out for a while, my love for Lord has really deepened..and my fears and doubts about being a parent have lessened. I guess my laundry room prayers have made me more sensitive to the holy spirit’s presence in my life..i don’t know..i hope you get what im saying.

but i would say that the most important thing that we can do as parents is plead the blood of Jesus over our children’s lives. We need to get on our knees daily for our sons and daughters and claim the promises of God for their lives. We need to remind Satan that he has no place in our homes and that our children have been dedicated to the Lord – they are covered by the blood of Jesus – and he may not touch them. I call on every one of you (including myself) to draw a line in the sand and for us to take back our families and our marriages in the name of Jesus.

“..at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth.” Philippians 2: 10


kneeling for guidance

out of the darkness comes light. out of hate comes love

..He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. – john 8:44

And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. – 2 corinthians 11:14

an entry from my journal dated September 3, 2004:

With the day falling rapidly before my eyes, I sit here wondering.. pondering a couple of things. When the sun rose this morning so much lay ahead. Now, I sit in sadness; is it life that I dread? The sky’s purple haziness is all that’s seen. The beautiful morning light of earlier was a waisted dream. A dream that I spit out..not caring of how I feel now..low. sad. waisted. dark. Id feel so much better if i’d just taken part of all that couldve been given to me today. But I passed it by hissing a curse into the sky. I hate being lonely, so occupied with regret..drowning in sorrow, suffocated by forget. The sky’s purple is now black. Night has come. Like the light, all that couldve is snuffed out as well..on this couch..in this room, ive entered some kind of hell. The flames dont really burn me, they just laugh and singe the only part that’s left of me. I’ll wake up tomorrow just a little more burnt, but maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to reach this roads end..this road i’ve paved for myself..this neverending road of hurt.

The moment in my life when my hand scribbled those words into being was ohh so dark. My mind was like a run down movie theater with a broken reel that only played the same dreary preview over and over. There was no joy in my life. A future of hope and happiness was kept just out of reach –  I could never get past the previews – I could never make it to the movie. My sin had programmed my soul to believe that I was not worthy to ever experience anything of substance..anything that had purpose was just a dream that I truly believed I would never reach. Every time that I would get close to that happiness..the happiness that I so longed for, I would mess up..I would involve myself in something that just dripped with sin, and it would cause me to start over further than where I had begun. Thats how satan uses sin to ruin your life. It’s not going to be some sudden change of heart..it wont be some quick decision you make that will change your course. As it says in the verse above, he can transform into an angel of light..he isnt going to dangle ugly things before your eyes to draw you away from the Lord – he is going to make the things that could destroy your life look beautiful not like something that will send you to the grave.  It’s his mode of destruction to bait you with small sins that don’t seem so bad..these small sins will keep sending you back a little bit more further from the purpose filled life that God created you for until one day you will be so far away from happiness that you will lose hope in ever reaching it..just like I was when I wrote what it written above.  In your silent defiance you will slowly push yourself farther away from believing that you are even worth the change required to reach happiness. The beginning of this descent may seem innocent at first..the bad decisions you make will seem to be no big deal..but, let me tell you, from someone who has fought (and is still fighting) her way back from it..it is indeed a big deal – a life or death crossroad. Once you have completely placed yourself on satan’s path of deception you will not be able to remember the innocence it was at the start. All the little sins that once seemed so harmless will eventually lead  you to a place where you cannot remember how to be good..you will not be able to identify with the person you once were. The idea of having a meaningful life with a divine purpose will have been completely wiped away from your mind and you will hate who you have become. I say all this stuff with such confidence because I have been there. It is only by the grace of God that I was given the chance to redirect my course. Even now, satan tries to fool me into falling back into the pit of despair that I found rescue from only by the blood of Jesus.   If you don’t allow your eyes to be opened then you will one day reach your end just like satan wanted you to. To reject the change that living for Jesus can only give.. you will pave your way into a land of empty dreams and worthlessness. Just like the sad testament of my life that’s written above, you will find yourself chained in a life where you can never see the beauty of daylight.

There is an answer though..his name is Jesus Christ. He will take the wasteland that your life has become and turn it into a fruitful orchard. He will sweep you from the destructive path that your sin has placed you on.. He will lovingly guide you to the path which leads to beautiful things. He will turn the hate that you have in your heart into a love that you cannot explain. He will take you out of darkness and show you the light of dawn. If you surrender your life to Him you will begin to love your life.. you will begin to love yourself, for he will show you all of these things. Finding Jesus is not difficult..

 And you shall seek me, and find me, when you shall search for me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. – matthew 7:8

even if you have no clue who He is or how He would make a difference in your life..if you are desperate to find an answer and everything that you have tried on your own has failed you..i urge you to give Him a chance. If you ask with a true heart he will show you who He is. In Him is life ..happiness ..hope ..redemption ..forgiveness ..love.

For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. – romans 10:13

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. – psalm 103:12

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new – 2 Corinthians 5:17

my experience of being choked by a demon

bA quick (well, not so quick..it’s actually pretty long) forward:

I wish so badly that there were a way for me to make you believe that what I am about to share with you really did happen to me.. a way that I could prove it. If I ever have the chance to take a polygraph test, if this really happened to me would probably be the first question that I would want to be asked. I guess the only thing that I can say to try to make you believe that what you will soon read really happened to me is that.. if I am lying may my soul be eternally damned to hell. I dont know if you have read any of my other posts or if you know me personally.. but, if you are, in any way, aware of my true character (whether you agree with me or not) then hopefully you know that I do not question the reality of hell and that I do not tread lightly on the subject of my salvation. So.. hopefully the action of me making that declaration will, in some way, help to validate my case.

I’m not really sure why I feel the need to write about this today. What I am going to write about is something that I am actually quite embarrassed by.. something that many people will probably not believe or something that will cause many people to think that I am  a nut case. Needless to say, I do not care what people may think of me. The only opinion that I care about is the opinion of Jesus Christ. How he thinks of me is actually a never-ending concern for me.. but, as many of you know, there was a time in my life when I didn’t care at all about him or what he thought about me. At the point in my life when all this took place, I actually did not think that Jesus even cared enough to think of me. I was sure that the battle for my soul had already been decided..that my relentless sin had caused the Lord to wave the white flag of surrender over my head. In spite of how I felt, in one intense experience, the Lord reminded me that there was still indeed, a battle going on for my soul..he gave me a sneak preview that night of how ugly the outcome would be if I refused to let him win.

I have been drawn to this kind of stuff since early childhood. In spite of growing up as the daughter of a minister and in a home that had been consecrated to the Lord, I have always been somehow aware to the presence of darkness; even before I understood what is was, I was still affected by it. I knew there was a force more powerful than just my simple fears that kept me up at night. I still do not understand what it is that goes on in the spirit realm..none of us do. Be that as it may, if you are ever given a glimpse into that world..into the parallel universe that hangs above our souls – you will never forget it.

The time when all of this happened, I was working 2nd shift at the front desk of a pretty dead hotel. Usually, besides the occasional guest, the only other person there was the one housekeeper named Rosa and we had a hard time communicating most of the time. As you could imagine, I had hours to just sit there and surf the internet..I used to sleep a lot too. I became the ‘knower’ of all things..zooming around the web like a maniac. I had the whole world figured out by the time my shift was finally over each night. One of the things that I particularly binged on for a while was EVP..or electronic voice phenomena. I became obsessed with it. I would search the internet for my whole shift and look at nothing but paranormal websites. For any of  you who may not know, EVP is when a person uses a recording device to capture the voices of the “dead.” There are many well documented reports showing these EVP recordings being captured and many of them are beyond creepy. After hours of researching and listening to them it’s like they got into my head, they would cause my hair to stand on end. The day when I printed an entire book offline on how to conduct your own EVP recordings was the day that I realized that the things I’d been filling my mind with had opened a door..an ugly door.

That night, after reading a few chapters in my new book, I fell asleep in my recliner. I was not sure of how much time had passed, but I knew I’d been asleep for a while because the movie we had been watching was over and the tv was now all scrambled black and white and making a loud static noise (remember VHS?) When I woke up I was sure of one thing though..I was being choked. I could feel the hands wrapped around my neck..i could literally FEEL them tightly wrapped around my skin. What impacted me most that night.. the thing that I will NEVER be able to forget, was the most evil sound that I heard coming from behind me. It was a growl so black that no word in the English language could be used to describe it. I heard audible evil. My ears heard the sound of hell. I sat there gasping for air..completely paralized.. I was unable to speak. With nothing else to do,  in my mind, I started to say the name of Jesus over and over..the more I thought it..the more the hands loosened  from around my neck. It was barely a whisper, but finally I was able to speak the name of Jesus, and when I did..at the very moment that his name left my lips..everything stopped. I had wanted to record some EVPs of my own, well.. that night the Lord gave me the opportunity to do so. Some of you may think that I could have been dreaming..I was not. My first husband was laying on the couch beside me and woke up to witness and to hear the entire thing.

I know..I know..you may think I sound like a fool. I am not a fool. There is, without a doubt, a dimension that our eyes cannot see. This is not just some crackpot idea that those “crazy christians” have.. the existence of a spiritual realm is an idea shared between people of all creeds and religious conviction. Just turn on your television, being fascinated with the paranormal has become really mainstream these days. Almost everywhere that you look you will see something about hunting ghosts or haunted places..you can even go on ghost tours. May I please humbly say that we need to guard our minds a bit more from these type of things. They are not as innocent as they seem. There is an evil force behind it all and exposing yourself to it just may open a door in your mind that you do not want to be opened. There is a battle going on for our souls at this very moment..I cannot say how thankful I am to have a savior who will continue to fight for my soul..for all of our souls until the very end.